Saturday, February 13, 2010

What to Say...

Things are a little weird right now at my house. I suddenly had a thought -- an epiphany, perhaps -- and I think it might be an important one. I'm going to write it down so I can hang on to it.

My cat's sick. It's snowing all the time. It's cold. I was on vacation.

These are the "reasons" I've been having trouble getting into a good groove with exercise and clean eating since ... oh, Jan 1st. Before that, it was the holiday season. Before that, the death of my father-in-law. Before that, it was the kitchen renovation.

It suddenly occurred to me that I've been holding steady at the same weight for a while now. I am happy that I am not gaining. For as long as I've been alive, I've never been able to hold steady at a weight -- I always gain.

But at the same time, I've stopped holding on to my losses. I lose four pounds, then two. And then I gain six. I lose three, gain two, and lose one.

It's been happening for awhile.

Now, I'm no psychiatrist, but it did dawn on me that I'm approaching my lowest adult weight ever. And that's where my needle has stuck.

You know what's on the other side, right? A different me -- physically speaking, of course. A me that I've never really known (or briefly met in high school at some moment before the scale ticked even higher).

Could it be possible that I'm afraid on some level to venture into the unknown?

I don't want to make any (more) excuses for myself, but I'm going to ponder this. Because when I look back over my pattern of the past few months, I don't see someone who doesn't want to keep losing weight. I see someone who is working hard, but steps back each time from some invisible brink.

It's strange to shed a lot of weight, isn't it? We change -- maybe not so much inside, but certainly things change in the way the outer world perceives and reacts to you. And I'm not saying that's bad. It's just ... different, I guess. Maybe I'm less prepared for that than I thought.

[On another note, am very happy that South Beach Steve got home safely, per his most recent update, and is with his family.]


  1. Fear does stop a lot of people. There is the fear of not being happy once you get to goal. There is the fear of finishing for a lot of people (like what's next??). Some people use their weight as a barrier against hurt, and shedding that makes one very vulnerable.

  2. Really thoughtful post! I know personally when I focus so much on those little (or big) occasions that interrupt my losing streak (birthdays, deadlines, illness, etc etc), that it's no longer about one specific event, but rather about where my head is at in the losing game. Because when you put it in context, those little things that come up are Real Life and are not going away / will always have to be handled, no matter what we weigh. Though sometimes it's exhausting trying to maneuver around them proactively. All. The. Time.