Thanks to Andrew's tip, I think I may have gotten over my scale phobia -- or am close to it, anyway.
I've been using Physicsdiet.com, an online place to go and log your daily weight. Based on your figures, the program gives you an "average" loss or gain for the week. (Hopefully a loss.)
Here's what I've found so far:
1) The fluctuations are startling sometimes, and even heartbreaking (like when the scale does way down one day and then back up the next).
2)You have to be able to shrug off the fluctuations, and focus more on your behaviors if you don't want to go crazy. This is a good thing -- it minimizes the scale's importance, but still recognizes it as a helpful tool.
3) Knowing I'm getting on the scale the next morning has helped reinvigorate that layer of watchfulness I've been missing for the past several months. I've looked at some snacks/bites over the past few days and thought, 'I'd better not eat that. It'll show up on the scale tomorrow.'
4) I have to guard against relaxed eating on the days the scale seems to magically bounce downward, ie 'oh, my weight was so low this morning, I can eat that burger for lunch!'
Yesterday my eating was not good. I didn't get breakfast, got way too hungry by noon, had a spicy shrimp sushi roll, then walked to meet some friends, who after strolling for a while wanted to stop and get lunch.
I wasn't all that hungry and probably shouldn't have eaten.
I got lentil soup, which was very good. It came with toasted pita points. I ate three too many (one would have been enough).
For some reason, that lunch threw me off. I looked at my two friends, in from Europe, neither 'skinny' but both normal weight. One of them had ordered a plate of hummus, which wasn't huge but was a nice mound, and immediately said she wouldn't be able to eat it all.
In fact, she didn't - not quite. And that was all she had, with pita too. She ate slowly and methodically, and when done declared herself really stuffed. The other friend got a chicken curry salad (I almost got that but was glad I didn't because it had a lot of mayo, turns out). She ate it, with some bread, and was done too. What I envied was their ease about it -- they didn't seem tortured, or worried, or even unhappy. They weren't forcing themselves to eat something they didn't really want because it was the "good" choice.
I left the lunch a little depressed, probably because I had eaten when I didn't really need to. And maybe I was off because of the weird no breakfast in the morning (I like breakfast and need to eat it).
I had struggled to find something on the menu that I would like and wouldn't feel like a punishment to eat. My two friends had very easily and with real pleasure zeroed in on yummy but healthy choices and really enjoyed them. I liked my lentil soup, but struggled with guilt the whole time.
"Should I be eating this?" I kept wondering, as I spooned up one of three pieces of potato in the broth.
As the funk of food depression descended upon me, I was in danger of really screwing up later in Whole Foods as I hovered near the vegan desserts.
Luckily, a disaster was averted and I found time to get to the gym yesterday evening. That was a very good thing. Go endorphins!
Goal today: eat light, workout at gym and walk to work, and be careful at dinner. Friends are coming over, and I'm planning to serve a hearty and healthy nicoise salad.
December 11th, 2017 Not A Diet
6 hours ago