Back to the Grind

Funny thing here .... no matter how well I think I'm handling life's stressful little moments, there always does come a time in a pressure cooker situation when I blow my lid, so to speak.

If you read the previous post, you'll see how much I patted myself on the back for dealing with the stress of a family death, a distraught B/F, and lots of the usual family dysfunction.

I did deal with it (in terms of not getting 'off food plan') pretty well. But...you know how it goes. Everything builds up to a specific moment. For us, the B/F and I, it came down to the memorial service. Let's just get through it, we said.

And so we did. Then comes the moment of let down. You are through it. Now what?

Well, ideally, we pick up our lives and move on with regular routines. Except it's never that easy. I am very prone in these moments to thinking that I need a de-stresser -- almost a way to mark the ending of the stressful phase and a renewal of the normal phase.

What's a de-stresser? In other words, a binge.

Yep. I did it again.

Friday night, on the way back from the memorial service (where I generously partook of bad chicken, mac-n-cheese and green beans, and a piece of pound cake), I had to get a small onion and gruyere quiche, and some wine (a very nice Syrah, by the way).

I was legitimately hungry, but instead of grabbing a healthier choice, I went for an eggy, creamy, cheesey meal. The foods that comfort me, of course.

It was 190 cals a serving, two servings in a packet (a small packet, to be fair to myself). I did put down the asparagus and mascarapone quiche after seeing that it was 300 cals a serving. But no sugarcoating it: the onion quiche was an emotional choice. I was feeding my psychological needs as much as my physical ones.

Couple those calories with the wine calories, and Houston, we have a problem. Plus no work out.

Saturday started out better: on plan breakkie. But I started to stray around lunch. Instead of a carefully thought out sandwich, I got a higher calorie one from Pret. Then it was a pack of unsalted trail mix around 6pm. OK -- I was really hungry, and that was the best choice from the office vending machine. And it didn't take a lot of willpower or agonizing to bypass the chips/cookies/ring dings to select the trail mix. So...that really is a positive for me. I did it almost without thinking.

But on the way home, trudging along in a drizzle, cold and still dealing with residual family fallout from the Friday memorial, I stopped at a gourmet store and bought crackers and port wine cheese. It's a favorite from childhood -- a tart, tangy cheese we only ever got at Christmas and that I used to inhale fervently, even at 7 years old.

And a bottle of wine. A red Graves, just to see if it was as good as the white Graves I had two weeks ago.

I ate all the cheese and crackers. Then I had dinner. With wine.

Oh boy. Today I do not feel like going to the gym. I'm tired (naturally!). But .... there's no giving up the fight. I might stumble, have bad days, give in to temptation, stuff my face or drink too much. I might do these things once in a while or in great streaks. Doesn't really matter, I think.

What matters is what I do on MOST days. And on MOST days, this is not what or how I eat.

And even in writing it out, I feel better. Gosh, this is almost nothing compared to what I used to put away when I was upset! So, I'm going to tell myself I'm great, lace myself into my sneakers and go outside to face the day. I'll let you know how it goes.