Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Confession Time

Something is wrong this week and I'm having a difficult time putting it right.

I'm frustrated.

Not being able to walk to work is seriously messing with my head. I'm eating too much. I'm bored. Cranky. Just a touch emotional at all times.

Deep down, I know I'll be ok. I'm in a funk for a variety of reasons and I'm trying hard to deal with it as best I can. But this morning I had a thought: even though I know that I WILL emerge from this this bad stretch, I don't want to come out the other side any heavier than I am now. I'm upset and emotional and drained. But I do not want to gain any weight because of it. I should say any *more* weight because I'm pretty sure I've put back on a few of the pounds that recently fell off.

When I started running my 5Ks a month or so ago (thanks to the Hot 100 Challenge giving me a butt kick), it felt like a new world opened up for me. At last, I thought, I am ready to start weight loss again after more than a year of holding steady.

Why was I holding steady? I don't rightly know. But the fact that I held at my usual adult weight is a clue -- I wasn't really ready to drop the extra 50 or so pounds I've been carrying around since my teen years. It would be a real change. When I dropped from morbidly obese to obese, that was ok. The next step feels different.

All my life I've felt powerless to control my weight. I'm scared that I can't change enough to keep my weight off.

The podiatrist this week said it's possible I don't have a neuroma but something else instead, because the pain and tenderness is popping up on a toe metatarsal, not on the nerve. He gave me another shot and more instructions to stop walking/running and even doing the elliptical.

I'm going crazy without being able to walk a few miles every day. I want to climb the walls.

I hate riding the bike at the gym -- it hurts my back, I don't feel like I'm getting a workout and it makes me miserable. Nonetheless, I'm going to suck it up and get on the damn thing because another week like this will put me over the edge. And Thanksgiving is coming, and that's going to be a big eating day (mostly vegetarian -- check out this list of awesome recipes from NYTIMES).

This weekend was in control up until Sunday and Monday. Then it all went to hell, especially Monday. I went to Whole Foods and ate, in no particular order, a piece of chocolate vegan cake, a small apple tart, a small lemon tart and a small blueberry tart. When I say small, I mean more than a single bite, but quite a mini-pie).

I felt sick as a dog later, didn't eat dinner, and just wanted the whole day to be over.

Yesterday started out ok, but I got very hungry in the afternoon and got home and ate croutons I didn't need and several pieces of laughing cow cheese I didn't need and just was not in a good head space at all.

Since I can't really go do a good pounding workout, I feel fat and bloated. I really need to run a few miles to clear my head, and I can't.

I just hope this passes soon.


  1. Aww! I hope you feel better REALLY soon! Keep your chin up, you WILL get back on track, you WILL be able to run/walk again soon and you WILL get your motivation back! In the meantime, be kind to yourself, and know that this too shall pass!!!!!!! And when you start to lose again, don't worry, the "new Ish" will still be you, just a bit smaller! Hang in there!!!!

  2. Bummer Ish! I hope you come out of the funk soon, I know precisly how you feel. My suggestion, for all its worth, get some sun, and find some good lemon-scented lotion, it always brightens my mood.

    I also have lotion that smells like cupcakes, and that makes me want to chew on my hands...

  3. I know bathing suits are the devil, but what about swimming? I don't think a better all-body workout exists-it makes me want to cry, thats how I know it is tough! ;-) Or what about a rowing machine or upper body egonometer (bikey thing)? Those are pretty decent workouts, too...

    Keep your head up, life sucks, then it sucks a bit less.

    Polar's Mom

  4. Hang in there. I can so relate to this post regarding holding steady. I too, have come down from morbid obesity and am holding at obese... I am sorry to hear about your injury - it is a drag to not be able to exercise. I had an ankle injury in September and have been nursing it since. Had to put half marathon training on hold for next spring. Sending you aloha energy from Hawaii. I am trying to slow down here and get my balance back...:-) Good luck with keeping the exercise up!

  5. Hope you can adjust the seat or something to make that bike ride at the gym more comfortable, if you push yourself you can make a good work out on that exercise bike.

  6. Ish, I feel so sorry for you right now. It is so hard to want to do something, but to be restricted. Keep your chin up. The funk will pass, as will the injury.

    One last thing - you can control the weight. You can get past the barrier! It doesn't matter that it has been there your whole adult life - you can change that. You can do it! That's right, you CAN do it!

  7. {{hugs}}

    It's frustrating, I know. Try doing something else like pilates or just doing a stretching routine at home. Anything to make you feel a little more active. Maybe even an upper body weight workout would be something you can do. You won't pile the weight on with a week of inactivity if you keep your eating in check. You had a day or so of mood eating, now is the time to reassess and make a plan for what you are going to do.

  8. But! You've turned into someone who gets crotchety and antsy if you can't run - that's amazing! Don't they call those people athletes? I think so!

  9. I can feel your frustration and the funk. You WILL be able to get out and exercise, give it some time. Maybe you can make a list of all the 5ks coming up in your area, or five k trails that you won;t to explore once your food is healed.

  10. Ish, this really is a bummer. Sorry it's been late in posting, but I hope there's still time! :)

    Those vegan cakes still trip you up, huh? It's almost like my pizza addiction. Though I bet thse are really tasty, huh??

    Funks sure suck, but if anyone can push through it, you can, Ish!!