I came thisclose to a disaster tonight.
B/F had tooth surgery today, and called me just before 6pm to ask if I could bring him some soup on the way home.
"Soup? Soup? Sure, I can get you soup. Why not get myself soup too?" I thought.
Forget about my planned meal waiting for me waiting at home. Forget about my commitment to stick to my regular eating patterns. Here was a real chance to go off plan -- and it was almost like a reward, because I'd be doing something nice for someone else, right?
Biking up Central Park West, in the near-dark, fighting hunger, other thoughts of what I could buy at Whole Food with our soup began to creep in.
"Wine...they have those small bottles of wine. I could get a small bottle. That would only be 200 calories," I said to myself. Oh, and vegan brownies -- there's like, what, almost no calories in those brownies, right? 'Cause they're vegan, right? Or some of those turkey meatballs I love -- they don't really use that much parmesan cheese in them, do they?
Guys, I was talking myself right into a trap. Right into the mindset that kept me from losing any significant weight over the past six weeks. I'd been pretty good navigating the big challenges -- hence the no gain. But I'd lost too many small battles like this one. Hence the static scale.
Even as I pedaled furiously toward the store to get my treats, another part of me could already feel the regret building.
Now, this is going to sound really cheesy, but I'll confess the truth. Somewhere on my bike ride, I began to think of you -- as in, all you bloggers who take the time to write about your weight loss struggles.
Lori, competing in a bike/run race. Beth making it 60+days without a binge. Kari getting close to size 12 jeans. Marcelle looking like a fit and fabulous 47-yr-old grandma. South Beach Steve, getting up at 4:30am and recording motivational speeches for everyone. Was I about to let this craving for wine become the one inch cube that derailed my growing momentum? Beej, who manages to do sweet things for his wife all the time without turning it into an excuse/reason to "reward" himself. Peridot, working hard in England to move beyond a Turkish vacation and a nasty cold.
Nobody gets where they want to go in this journey without summoning the strength to utter one very important word: "No."
Sometimes it's a gentle, "No, not tonight." Other times it's a compromise, "No, not that, but try this instead."
And there are times when it just has to be a right-between-the-eyes "NO."
No I'm not breaking my commitment to stay on plan.
No I'm not breaking my vow to avoid wine on weeknights.
No I'm not going to tell myself a glass is "only" 200 calories.
No I'm not going pretend I won't overeat later; I'm always hungrier with wine.
I got in and out of Whole Foods in less than 2 minutes, eyes firmly averted from everything (I really and truly had them squeezed almost shut to avoid seeing anything but the soup table). I walked past the attached wine store and just did not allow myself through the door. It might as well have been labeled "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."
I biked the rest of the way home, dropped the soup off to the B/F, said a brief hello to a friend who passed on the corner, but refused to let her waylay me. I headed to my gym. Made it for the final 30 minutes of cardio I need for the day to hit my goal.
Then home to the lovely, low-calorie dinner that I had planned to eat.
This is what I have to continue to do if I want to go back to losing regularly. I have to create a firewall between me and temptation. Even the smallest battles count.
And THANK YOU everybody!
December 11th, 2017 Not A Diet
6 hours ago