Mussels

I ate them tonight, in a shallot, white wine and butter sauce.

There was also a piece of bread with it -- crisp, with a touch of creamy butter on it that when dipped in the mussel broth softened and got beautifully salty.

I almost never eat mussels, but I was out with three women I know for dinner at a seafood place. I know two of them as passing acquaintances. They live near by and we have a mutual friend in common but never hang out just us. I saw them last week by chance, and they asked me to join them and one of their friends for dinner tonight.

It's been a long time since I went out by myself with people I don't know well. I felt awkward, and a little girlish, and kind of funny. Weird how you get used to always hanging out with the same people (ie your friends) isn't it? And how you get attached to having your boyfriend on your arm all the time.

It was a challenge for me. A way to step out from behind my security blanket (boyfriend) and reconnect with the person I used to be: aka, myself.

I ate mussels, which I almost never do, and drank a beer. But I didn't eat any fries, and I didn't dip into the bread basket for extra bread.

Today when I was hungry before lunch and I walked past the "snack table" at work there were cookies laid out. Not chocolate chip, not particularly rich looking. I said, 'Oh, those don't look fattening.'

I was going to have one, then I reminded myself: 'You are not a person who eats while on the move. You are not a person who eats standing up. You are not a person who grabs food off the snack table without being consciously aware of what you are doing.'

You see, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person I want to be. A healthy one, a fit one, of course, and a person who controls food, rather than the other way around.

I also told myself tonight, when I considered canceling dinner because I was tired, and had to much work to do, and so on and so on, that I am not a person who is afraid to step out on her own. And so I went.

I hope they enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. It's never easy to feel like the odd person out -- the other three knew each other well.

So the wedding: it was amazing.

Very happy for my friend, who looked gorgeous and happy. My feet were KILLING me by the end of the night, but I danced every song (almost).

I did notice at that at our table most of the women ate a little of the crepe dessert, and none of the wedding cake. I ate all the crepe and all the cake. I wanted to.