Working

On my lunch break, quick update to say my computer is on the fritz. No idea what happened, woke up the other day and it wouldn't boot up, blinking lights all over the place, rush to the repair shop.

Except I can't rush anywhere this week until Sunday, so it's sitting at home like a forlorn paperweight.

(I sneak read all your blogs while I'm at work on my lunch hour, but shhhhh! that's a secret).

But of course, my ego imagines that the world at large is simply dying to have the latest Ish update. The show must go on! The audience is everything! (This is what happens to you when you work in midtown near the theater district).

In brief, a spring has returned to my step this week. I'm working very hard to lose the weight I gained this summer and get back on track to take off my other 25, hopefully by Christmas.

Walked the reservoir once this week, bike riding every day (and really biking, not just peddling along) and a visit to the gym last night. Weird and strange to walk back into it after three months away. I used to go every day. It felt so familiar... and yet it had been such a long time.

Before long, felt like home again.

SOD played a nasty trick on me yesterday (which actually is probably why I returned to the gym).

I haven't touched the scale in weeks. So I put it down and said hello and gave it a gentle tap in the middle, per the instructions. Then I stepped on.

Oh, how sweet. SOD said I lost 16 lbs. Yeah right. Sell me a bridge why don't you?

I figured it was just getting warmed up, so I waited, tapped it again, and hopped on.

Up 36 lbs, SOD said. "*$*%&*$ You," I said.

Did my dance again, and hopped on once more. Up 41, and when I waited two minutes and got on again, up 42 pounds, SOD said.

Fifth and final time, it said I gained 54 lbs.

That's when I hissed at it and jumped away. Evil Satanic thing, messing with my head.

The funny thing is that it *DID* mess with my head. Could I have gained back all that weight and be in denial? I did really get scared.

But there's no way I could fit into my skinny jeans if I had gained 36 or 54 pounds -- and I can still fit in them. They are slightly tighter than they were three months ago, but they fit. I don't have to struggle to pull them on (however they definitely were a LOT looser earlier this summer).

Finally I let the more neutral gym scale decide: up about 10 lbs, which I already knew. And I hope it's actually a little less, since I was weighting with clothes on and after eating a big tub of cottage cheese. But either way, this I can handle. Thirty-six pounds I cannot!

So, all systems go as I ramp back into weight loss. I hope to be posting a loss on Tuesday, or at least a no gain. Assuming my computer works and I can post, that is!

A Fool and Her Burrito Are Surprisingly Parted

Sometimes you have what you want right in your hand, and the cruel Gods of fate conspire to take it away.

And just when you're ready to curse the unfeeling universe and gnash your teeth at the sky, you realize you're better off without it.

At least, that's what I hope. But I'm pretty sure that I'm better off without eating burritos, intense hunger aside.

My lesson in weight-loss philosophy (or is this weight-loss theology? I'm not sure) began with a long bike ride this morning downtown. For sustenance I had a slice of bread and a bit of cheese (that was breakfast, really), then when I got to where I was meeting friends, I had two teeny tiny poached eggs (no butter AT ALL, dammit) on a wee crisp of toasted bread (maybe half a slice, if that).

Then I biked all the way back uptown, stopping to do the week's shopping. I was just going to buy the usual stuff, but then I saw so many sales going on that I thought, ok, I'd better take advantage.

This is probably a city person ritual, but every few months I do a super big purchase of heavy goods, like cans of beans, tuna fish, olive oil, vinegar, water, kitty litter, etc... and have it all delivered. Then I go a few weeks just buying produce and perishables until the staple supplies run low and I make a big buy and have it delivered. Try as I might, I just can't bike home with all that stuff.

So this quickly became a big purchase because so much stuff was on sale and I figured why not stock up? It took longer than I thought, and I began to feel the first little glimmers of a low-blood sugar situation about halfway through the process.

I decided I could hold out until I got home for something healthy. But I hadn't counted on the massive Labor Day lines. By the time I got close to the checkout line I was starting to shake. Luckily I was right by the prepared foods section. I looked at the rows of pizza, pre-cooked quiche, sandwiches (yucky and unappealing) and spied a bean burrito in a wrap.

Well, I figured that was the best of the lot, so I grabbed one. And after I paid for my groceries and left them in the hands of the teller, I exited Whole Foods with my burrito in my hot little palm, fully intending to snarf it ASAP.

Side note: why is that the hungrier you are and the faster you want to shop, the more young kids there are in the grocery store accompanied by parents who just can't quite seem to realize that their adorable offspring are a bloody pain in the ass when they block the aisles? I'm all for kids, but a child raised without consideration for others I can definitely do without.

Anyway, that's probably the low blood sugar talking, but I practically ran out of the store, threw myself on my bike and ravenously unwrapped the top half of the burrito. I kept the slippery plastic wrapping as a barrier around the second half so I could protect it from my germy fingers while still eating it.

Not very smart, as it turns out.

So there I was, rather dangerously riding with one hand free to steer and apply brakes as needed, and the other clutching a burrito applied all too frequently to my mouth.

It was GOOD. But I doubt very much it was healthy. Simply put, it tasted too much like a high-fat treat to be low-calorie. I am sure those beans were refried or something like that. I will admit to being naive in the general sense of the word, but I've long ago given up pretending things are low calorie when they are not. If you are going to eat something, eat it, I say. But let's not blur the picture with self-delusion and lame justifications.

So I chomped away at the burrito, registering that it wasn't a really low-cal option, but too hungry to stop eating it.

I was three big bites in and already sensing a lessening of the weird hollow feeling that indicates a sugar drop is coming when I saw a big bump ahead that had to be navigated.

I put my left hand down to the handlebar, still holding the burrito, and carefully wound my way over the curb and pothole.

Only I hadn't accounted for the effect of trying to squeeze my brake, hold the handlebar and absorb the big shock that came from dropping about three inches from curb to street again.

The burrito completely fell out of my hand when I hit that street. SPLAT. Or, as Fonzi might have said a long time ago, Splatamundo.

It happened in a heartbeat. One second I was fiercely clutching my six-dollar burrito. The next, it was gone.

I didn't even stop. It wasn't going to be salvaged. The damage was irreparable. I knew it right away. Let some carnivorous squirrel reap the rewards, or a hungry doggie. I peddled on, the empty plastic wrapping fruitlessly held in my hand.

But within a few peddle pumps, a strange feeling of indifference stole over me. I lamented the waste of six dollars, to be sure. But I was no longer starvingly hungry. Those three bites had helped a lot.

So what did it really matter that I had lost the rest? Maybe, just maybe, it was a boon from the all-knowing Gods. That burrito was surely loaded with calories, and since I'd had enough, wasn't that all I needed to eat?

As the old saying goes, which I've quoted here before, "Enough is as good as a feast."

I guess sometimes the universe does hear us. I've been caterwauling about how I want to learn to control portions effortlessly, and today I got a very vivid, physical example of just how it is done: drop the food when you've taken the edge off your hunger.

It's as easy as that: Just drop it, and move on. Thanks for the philosophy lesson, Life. I think I like it.