This is going to get a little graphic, so the squeamish among us should avert their eyes. Nothing X-rated or sexy coming (more's the pity). No, it's all...uh, more digestively related.
I've been to see a doctor about my "condition."
What's that, you ask? Well, it's what I thought was a common occurrence among people who eat a lot of veggies and beans. Ahem.
I've tried Beano, I've tried Gas-X. I've tried homeopathic charcoal caps. And yet still there are moments when I could fill in for the entire tuba section of the Boston Pops. I could be my own Macy's Day Parade balloon with all the self-produced nitrogen.
At a certain point, one has to accept that the "condition" is just not normal. That is to say, even on a diet known to produce tremendous flatulence, there is a Rubicon to be crossed. When you surpass the maximum average output known to mankind and begin to match that of a cow -- a ruminate creature with FIVE stomachs -- then you know you have a problem.
According to the tummy doc I consulted on Wednesday night, it's my gall bladder. Exactly what -- inflammation, a stone, actual gall bladder disease -- we don't know.
Actually we don't know that it IS my gall bladder. But now I have to go through a battery of tests to find out. All I can say is ICK.
If my alternatives weren't so crap -- basically spend the rest of my life as a walking, human Whoopee Cushion -- I'd gracefully bow out of this.
I hate having to undergo pokes and prods. But if there's one glimmer of hope that one day I can regain the ability to digest even a simple salad, I must pursue it. My diet right now consists of yogurt, cottage cheese, and...er, yogurt.
Positive notes: My newfangled orthotics are here! Going to a fitting on Monday. They came in a few days after I read a NYTimes article on... (you know it's coming) how useless orthotics are for foot problems. Riiiiiighhht. Tell me this after I spent $400, you jerks.
But I will try them, because it can't hurt and they are paid for.
And because my stomach hurts, I will go get my blood tests and sonograms and everything else the doctor wants. But I draw the line at an endoscopy and/or colonoscopy right away, because there will be no intruding into the inner sanctums until I'm convinced it's medically necessary.
Other Positive Note: the skinny jeans definitely are looser this week. Still not quite as loose as they were last Xmas but better than two months ago. I'm a few pounds away from being back where I was.
That. Is. GOOOOOOOOD.
On a bad note, the stupid stomach doc weighed me at the end of the day, after I'd eaten, with full clothes on AND massive LL Bean workboots borrowed from my nephew that weigh at least 4lbs each.
I swear, that doctor is lucky he escaped the examining room alive after that disaster.
Will be checking in with all of you over the weekend. Hope everyone is well!
April 17th, 2015 I Fried The Circuits
23 hours ago